MEMORANDUM FOR: SENIOR DEPARTMENT EXECUTIVES
FROM: SANTA CLAUS
SUBJECT: Fiscal Year 2013 Joint Committee Sequestration Impact on Christmas
The Budget Control Act of 2011 (BCA) established the Joint Select Committee of
Deficit Reduction (Joint committee) and charged it with developing a proposal to
achieve at least $12 trillion in deficit reduction. Last November, the Joint
committee announced that it could not reach agreement on a deficit reduction
plan. This failure triggered an enforcement mechanism of automated funding cuts
in Fiscal Year 2013, know as sequestration, above and beyond the reductions
already reflected in the FY 2013 budget. These actions will have a direct
impact on Christmas planning and operations.
The additional cuts required under the BCA are very large and the existing law
requires that FY 2013 cuts be implemented in an indiscriminate, across-the-board
manner that will greatly exacerbate their adverse effects. These large cuts
would lead to devastating effects on Christmas and potentially other holidays.
In anticipation of sequestration reductions, the following actions are directed:
NAUGHTY OR NICE LIST: As maintained by the Elfs record keeping department (ELF
01), the prior "three strikes and out" rule is immediately modified to reflect
"two strikes and out". Any individual who has incurring two 'naughty' strikes
during the 2013 calendar year will automatically be placed on the 'coal for
gift' list. As an additional savings action, only two lumps of coal will be
left in stockings rather than the traditional three.
CHRISTMAS LIST LIMITATIONS: Christmas wish lists will be limited to twelve items in
priority order. Any lists exceeding the limit will be discarded. No exceptions.
BANNED CHRISTMAS GIFTS: Santa will no longer take orders for ponies, full sized
monster trucks, or baby brothers.
BATTERIES: Batteries will no longer be provided with gifts.
PACKAGING: The Elf packaging department (ELF 02), will reduce use of wrapping,
tape, and bows by 30%. For the 2013 Christmas season, award winning wrapping
will be replaced by 'adequate' wrapping efforts. Elf wrapping specialists are
encouraged to examine opportunities to 'go green' using a variety of colorful
newspaper advertising instead of more costly Christmas wrap.
REPLACE CANDLES AND TRADITIONAL INCANDECENT LIGHTS WITH LEDS: The Elf facilities group (ELF 03) will immediately replace all candles and traditional
incandescent colored lights with LED lights.
INCOME LIMITS: Unfortunately Santa be forced to impose a form of 'needs testing' testing on Christmas recipients - basically ceasing deliver of presents to families with a combined, post-tax annual income of $500,000 (subject to further adjustment if needed). An exception will be made for families who have incurred job loss within the last three months, or are facing other unique circumstances. Prior to delivery of any gifts, families will be asked to submit a completed and signed SC-201 form (request for Christmas gifts exemption form). By Dec 24, 2013 ELF 01 will collect, review and forward a list of families approved for gift delivery under the exemption clause to Santa Claus (SC 01)
OTHER GIFT BANS: As further cost cutting initiatives, no gifts will be
delivered to homes with the following types of Christmas displays:
- Pink metallic trees
- Celine Dion's "Christmas Classics" on their family CD,or iPOD play lists
- Any type of Budweiser Christmas ornament hung from their tree
- Families leaving Santa healthy, or glutton free cookies, or snacks.
TRANSPORTATION EFFICIENCIES: In order to further reduce operational costs,
Prancer and Vixen will be deactivated and put up for auction.
As a reminder, given 2014 and outyear cuts are likely to be even deeper, Santa
is looking for other cost cutting suggestions. Please feel free to forward them
directly to Santa via email, or snail mail. If you have any questions about
this guidance, please consult your chain of command. My POC for this issue is
Elf Counsel (ELF 04).
HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY SEQUESTRATION HOLIDAY